My Job is Hard

      My job is hard. As the days go on it doesn't get much easier. Being a para is hard because you are often trying to help the kids without having the information you need, no time to make connections, and so on. Now that I am the teacher I make sure to provide the paras working with me the answer keys to help make their jobs easier. But that doesn't make my job easier. 

     Strangely, something that has helped is that I am starting to make better connections with a lot of the kids. I know it's not because I have more time to work with them, I absolutely don't. Maybe it is because the way paras are viewed is different than the way teachers are viewed. Paras are seen as lesser in many ways. Less important, less intelligent, and so on. A lot of teachers view paras this way, and so do parents. Which leads the students to see paras as lesser. Paras are not less than teachers, we are teachers too. We just don't plan the lessons.

      All of a sudden I have kids who can remember my name, who never bothered to remember my name before. I am the same person. The only difference is now I am the one standing in front of the room performing, trying to get them to learn something. But I am also still the one that stands next to their desk or pulls up a chair and says we need to get this work done. My job has changed because now I am planning the lessons, correcting the work, doing the teaching, while still helping, motivating and reminding. The days go by very quickly. And my job is very challenging at times. 

     Yesterday was especially challenging. I had a student have an emergency in class. We handled it exactly as we should, and they were OK. Until it happened again in another class. And then they were OK. But it is hard on that student, and hard on the other kids who witness it. I spent a lot of time in the hallway checking in with kids and helping them process their feelings. One kid told me they didn't even like this particular student, but they felt so bad that it was happening, they didn't want it to happen to anyone. I have never seen that level of empathy from a high school kid. Or even from many adults. 

     I had a kid come to me to process some scared feelings they have about a situation they might be in. It is hard to learn when you are nervous and distracted. So we processed a bit and then I encouraged them to get some work done, and we quietly processed some more in between me helping other kids. I also had a kid open up about past trauma and it nearly floored me. Some of the things that have happened to these kids... and things that have been said to them by people who should care the most... it really is heartbreaking. So we processed some more, I encouraged some more work and praised the work that got done. It is hard to concentrate when your heart hurts. It's hard to concentrate when you are worried about your friends. It's hard to concentrate when you are scared about a potential life altering thing. I am extremely grateful that these kids have decided I am safe to talk to. Maybe they see me differently because I have been at center stage for the last 5 weeks. Teaching is performance art after all. Or maybe it is just 5 weeks more of getting to know each other and they are now comfortable with me. Whatever it is I am grateful they are willing to open up to me and let me try to help them. In a strange way, it makes my job a tiny bit easier. 

     The crown I am wearing was a gift from my friend Angelique. I wore it for half the day yesterday (as soon as I got it). One kid asked why I was wearing a crown and I said it's obviously because I am the queen. I went around the school with it, to the copy room, not a single teacher said a thing. Clearly they get me.