Saturday, April 27, 2019

Excluded

    Today I was supposed to be attending a horse show. But now I am not. I have attended this show every year (or nearly every year, I can't quite remember) since it started. The reason I am not going this year is because my son, Travis, is being excluded. I could just sit back and say nothing about it and not show up and not do show reports that I have promised to do and hope that no one notices. But I can't do that. This turn of events has me more upset than I have been in an incredibly long time. And I need to talk about it.
    Thursday, during my lunch at school, I got a message from the hostess. She and I have been good friends for a ton of years. Or that is what I thought. In her message she asked me if I was ready for the show on Saturday and then prefaced her next question with "please don't be offended, but" and asked if Travis was staying home with his dad. Well, dad has to work so I said no, Ethan has to work. If Travis can't come I can't come. No response. So I said if it's a problem let me know and I'll stay home. I'll admit, this was a dare. She had already put me in an incredibly awkward position and I was giving that back to her. 
     After awhile, I got another message saying that she is afraid their might be (a problem) and sited that the new hall (in a firehouse) is smaller than the hall we had at Spencer and there are so many things that Travis cannot touch. She wondered how he would react if there was a call and the firetrucks had to go out. She said she worried about liability. And she told me she was sorry and would rather Travis not be there. 
    That was about the time I said to myself that I was not going to cry in school. I lied apparently. For the record, Travis has had fire drills at school for 15 years and he does amazingly with them. And while she didn't actually ask, just assumed the worst, I will say what would happen. If an alarm came in, Travis would cover his ears and wait for me to tell him what to do or where to go. He has had an enormous amount of practice with drills (so, alarms) and is very good at them and knows exactly what to do. 
    At that point I was incredibly upset and I told her that she basically attacked my parenting and invalidated the enormous amount of work I have put in over the years and the enormous progress Travis has made. 
    And then I cried in my car while I waited for Travis to get off the bus for track. 
    Travis has been to a ton of model horse shows with me. He sits in a chair for the majority of the day watching DVDs on the little DVD player I bought just for horse shows. He will ask to go to the bathroom or ask to go for a walk. He is more chill than he was when he was little, and he was not bad them. I police that guy more than most kids are ever policed in any situation. And now, through no fault of his own, he is being excluded. And it is because of his disability. And that hurts me on so many levels. 
     So now I can't attend a show I have been looking forward to and prepping for for weeks. I will not be able to do one of the very few things in my life that is for me. I will lose every potential sale from the show, which I have also been prepping for. I will miss out on seeing show friends that I so rarely get to see. I was afraid we were going to miss out on seeing the fire station, we would miss out on going to dinner after the show (which is one of Travis's favorite parts). She took so much away from us. 
    I have had some people say that I should go anyway. I paid to enter the show and she can't actually say that Travis can't be there with me. But I can't do that to him. I can't bring him to a place where I will be so upset and uncomfortable that I might cry (again) or be cranky. I can't bring him to a place where I am afraid someone will say something mean to him. I can't do that to him. And I can't do it to myself. I have been very upset by this for days and I have talked to many friends and gotten an outpouring of support. I appreciate it more than you all can know, but I feel alone. I feel isolated. I work very hard to be the best mom I can be for my kids. Travis takes extra work because his brain doesn't work in the same way as most people's brains work. He takes more effort and more understanding. To have excluded from something because of his disability make me feel very alone. My friend, Laura, summed it up perfectly. She said "with those few sentences she attacked your parenting, your kid, and your entire world." Yup. A big part of my life is working towards educating people with disabilities and educating people about disabilities. 
     Please don't get me wrong, I have had friends from school being supportive, friends from the hobby being supportive and it is absolutely helping. I am feeling less alone. I think without you all I would feel like I was drowning. All of you wonderful people will bring me back to the surface. I'll be OK. And I have Travis. Travis who when I got him off the bus for track gave me a big hug while I cried on his shoulder. He didn't know why mom was upset, just that when someone is upset and needs a hug, you give them a hug. I told him he is awesome. He said yes. That is a smart guy.
    I am not looking to stir up trouble. But I can't stay silent about something that is so wrong on so many levels. And I want to especially thank some very good friends for their love and support. Later on Travis and I will be going to Fox Haven Farm because Liesl Dalpe invited us to go. We will see the horses and play with the dogs and visit and have a great time. She said there will be keto snacks. That is so great for both myself and Travis. Marisa Evans will come and hang out too. We're all going to go and meet up with Larry Nichols for dinner. I am hoping we can fit in time to meet up with Brenda Bednar, who said she would give Travis a tour of the firehouse. We won't go into the showhall, we'll see cool firehouse stuff. I am hoping I can get some cool pictures to share, since I won't have any show reports. I also want to thank every other person who has been supportive of me, supportive of Travis and who has not said that my hurt is off-base. You all mean the world to me.
     In closing I just want to say, people with disabilities are still people. They have wants and needs and feelings just like people without disabilities. They are different, not less.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

I believe you should contact the ACLU and demand this woman be removed from her position. Midgeculver@cs.com

timaru star ii said...

Oh poor Anne. I can't believe she would've done that to you. Of course it hurts. I know what it's like to be so alone you feel you're in outer space. (For me it was a disease.) When you stagger back into the world, know your friends are here waiting, hoping you can hang on. Please feel free to keep writing about it.

Anonymous said...

That was a hateful and bigoted thing to do. I hope at the least that your fees were all refunded, since you were refused entry. Jeeze, I had really hoped those days were over, but I guess ignorance and hate are still rampant.

Sarah said...

I am so sorry this happened. I don’t know who it was but that was wrong on many levels. My son has Aspergers. I’ve done my best not to exclude him from anything. And yeah I’ve been embarrassed by him a few times but I would never exclude him like this. I am so sorry. I can understand you not wanting to go. I’m glad you and Travis are still able to do something fun. He sounds like a great kid and it sounds like you’ve done a wonderful job raising him. Be proud of that. I know it’s not easy but try and ignore that persons ignorance. And you and Travis are both welcome at any of my shows if you are ever able to make the trip

Nichelle Jones said...

I'm so sorry this happened to you and Travis, Anne :(

Sharon K Clark said...

She is just so wrong and ignorant on so many levels. My nephew is autistic and his mom does a fantastic job including him in so many activities, just as you do. Keep up the great work and take joy in the fact that you can do so much with your son.

Jo-Anne Baker said...

I'm incredibly sorry and rather disgusted that you have had this happen to you.

Anne, my daughter Jade's stepson whose name is also Travis has autism.

It's other people that give these beautiful children limitations not the children themselves.

It makes my blood boil.

Sending love and hugs Anne xxx

Anonymous said...

Ms. Anne:
I am so sorry to read this happened to you! I'm not a parent and this made me cry!��
What is it about society today that we seem to be so lacking in compassion for others anymore?
While I .understand. that some of us can be uncomfortable. with what we don't understand, surely this hostess (if she were *truly* your friend would. have had ample opportunities. to discuss. with you any reservations she had with this ssituation-especially if you had been a yearly attendee instead of springing it unexpectedly. upon you now??(If there were questions. on her part, *why* did she accept the entry fee?)
Where I. attend church, there's a DAIRY QUEEN where I .go to eat dinner and every week there's a young lady who brings in 1 or 2 young men who look to be Travis' age in for ice treats. One young man doesn't' speak as you and I. would(I hesitate to call it "babbling") but if he locks eyes with you, he seems to be the *sweetest friendliest * person you ever could meet! (Often the caretaker/mom has to coax him away! ��) Tthough I don't personally know them, I look fforward to seeing them!
Hopefully. once the hurt eases, you two will be able to resolve the issues and restore your friendship

Clover Leaf Props said...

Anne, this is NOT by any means ok. I have worked a lot with people, especially children with disabilities and they aren't different at all. I've been a nanny for a autistic child. He was amazing. They just need more time, understanding and love. The children I babysit for now recently had a visit with a special needs school. I sat sown with them after school and we talked about it. We went over how the kids at that school are the exactly the same and should always as thus and never excluded. They felt the same way and want to visit more schools because they had a lot of fun doing arts and crafts with them (I've taught them fluid art and other things).

This boggles my mid that you were treated this way. No one ever has the right to exclude someone because they are different, who gives them the right? I'd love to know the hostess as I'd prefer not to attend shows where those with disabilities are discriminated against

Renee said...

I am so sorry to hear this, Anne. I have been to shows where you and Travis have been and have never had any trouble with him. He is sweet and well behaved. You have done a great job with him and have every right to be proud of that.

MamaLlama said...

This is contemptuous, full-on DISCRIMINATION. That showholder is ... I have no words for the rage I feel as a parent of a child w disabilities. I know many people would prefer these children and adults not be seen, but those that believe that are the worst of us. Those w cognitive disabilities should be cherished and embraced. My heart goes out to Anne and Travis.

ShamrockFarmsInc. said...

*Hugs*
I echo these sentiments and wish people were more inclusive and understanding of people on the spectrum or who are differently abled. Shame on her.
Hope you and Travis have fun with the alternative activity and that in the future all hobbyists are welcoming and accommodating! I am proud of you and what you are doing - keep it up! <3 <3 <3

Catriona Harris said...

I am sending you so many love and hugs. I don't know you and I show in another country but the idea of someone doing this is just heart breaking. You sound like you are doing an incredible job with your son and he sounds amazing.

So many children attend shows and some of them are diabolical but the vast majority are wonderful, in fact the ones with 'issues' seem to be the best behaved, their parents have done amazing jobs raising them and they are a credit to them.

As someone who lives with very serious mental illness (psychosis) and autism, I have always found this hobby to be amazingly supportive and show holders to be brilliant. People have accommodated me (Not using loud noises etc because I can't cope with them). This hobby at it's best can be so amazing, I honestly wouldn't still be here without the incredible support of my hobby friends and complete strangers who have supported me despite the fact we've never met. I hope that through this you'll see the better side of the hobby (And it seems like you already are). You're doing an amazing job with your son, keep doing what you're doing, you're one awesome potato :D

Xxxxxx <3

Danielle Feldman said...

Ann, I missed you and Travis yesterday. ((hugs)) I hope to see you both at a show soon!

Lynn Isenbarger said...

Ann, I am so, so sorry. Being a parent is difficult, and our hearts can hurt so much over our children. For the record, I think you are a good mom, and I should know - I have six children and am a teacher, too. (And I have taught plenty of children with special needs.) In my opinion, the parents of children like Travis are very much heroes. Many, many hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

What an awful way to find out your "friend" did not have her priorities in order. I understand her concern, but what she could have asked is how she can help make the event better for you two (i.e. did he need to see the facility before the show started so he'd feel more at ease, etc.) Some simple little gestures like that would probably have been all it took for her to be assured all would go as planned, and for Travis to be comfortable hanging out. I don't think that's too much to ask, especially because he is always well behaved! It's not like she had any reason to assume the worst here.

I'm so sorry you and Travis went through this...people can be so yucky. I really hope you two will make it to whatever shows you want to attend in the future without people being ugly like this. This shouldn't be a reflection of your parenting skills at all. You clearly know what you're doing. Progress doesn't just come out of thin air, it takes hard work and time.

No...this is a reflection of other people being uncomfortable when they don't understand something. And that speaks volumes about their character and the kind of person they are. Best wishes and big hugs.

EvelynL. said...

Oh Anne, I'm so sorry to hear that you and Travis have been treated this shamefully!

I can understand people being uncomfortable with something they don't understand. We're human and it happens BUT what I can't accept is someone treating ANYONE this horrendously as to exclude them from an event based on their disabilities!

This is discrimination and I thought we, as a society, were well beyond this type of prejudice. I'm sorry to learn this is not so...

Anonymous said...

Hi Anne-My 18 year old daughter, who has autism and participates in model horse shows, shared this post and Jenn Buxton's post about it with me. I'm so sorry that this happened to you both. It is not OK and it makes me really sad that any showholder would treat you and Travis like this. I hope you will find a new show to go to and if you are ever down south, check out Palmetto State Live, my daughter has felt very included and supported there.

Teagan Russ said...

As a person with disabilities who experience is different levels of discrimination on a regular basis, I completely understand why you are hurt. When I first read about this on Jennifers blog I absolutely saw red. This was so baseless and hurtful
I am working on putting together a show that will benefit the therapeutic riding barn where I volunteer and ride. Everyone is welcome and I am willing to make accommodations for those who need it. I would absolutely invite you and Travis if you were closer.

LoveOwlz said...

I agree one thousand percent. This is not right and not acceptable.

Shelly said...

Sending love...i understand