You Only Have One Life

     Back when I was young, I was a runner. I ran and jumped all the time. I would build hurdles and jump courses in my yard, would jump people's split rail fences (stupid, but I did it anyway) and loved going fast. And I was fast. When I was 14 I jumped a fence and landed on the side of my ankle on the side of a hole. Then I could barely walk for a month and it was 4 months until I could run at all again. 

     When I was probably about 17 or 18 I was leading trails at a local stable and another guide and I were riding next to each other. His horse was pissed off at my horse's presence so got mad and kicked him. But also caught me in that same bad ankle. My horse spooked and almost dumped me in the stream. I was pleased I stayed on, but my ankle hurt. A lot. I said that if I could walk the next day, I would be back. Even with the hoof print I could walk, so I went back. It still hurt. 

     According to a lot of different factors, I should not be able to do what I am currently doing. 8 or 9 years ago I got yet another ankle injury (this would make the third semi-major one) which made it hard to walk for 2 years. Constant pain which then would radiate up to my knee and my hip. It was bad. I had 2 X-rays, a bone scan, and an MRI. It was finally determined I have a torn tendon, arthritis in that ankle and a hole in the cartilage. Super. I went to a podiatrist once or twice, did not like him, did not like the potential of what the cortisone injections could do to me, so I went to physical therapy. I put my everything into the therapy and got stronger quickly, and the pain, finally, started to go away. 

     But it was easy for the pain to come back. It was easy to irritate the ankle. Walking on an unstable surface was bad for me. I said "I can't" so many times. I can't hike on that trail. I can't hike with that many hills. I can't, I can't, I can't. I love hiking and it was hard to hike. I love running and it was just not a thing I could do. I am 44 years old, have bad knees, a bad ankle, and a history of injuries. I should not be able to do what I am doing. But I want to do it, so I am. 

     I signed up for the Sgt. Desforges Challenge again this year. Last year, Travis and I did it with zero training. And it was hard, but I did it. We were almost the last people to finish, but we did it, and didn't skip any of the obstacles. I was proud of what I did. But I wanted to do better. For the challenge and for me. I friend of mine keeps telling me to stop saying "I can't" and that I only have one life. Alright then, let's see what I can do. 

     Saturday, Travis and I went out in the cross country trails behind Ludlow High School. That is where a large portion of the Desforges Challenge takes place so it was a good spot to try out. Some of the hills in those trails are STEEP, and a lot of it was hard. But we did it. We did it in a sort of sad 3.36 miles in an hour. That is a pace of like 18 something minutes per mile. I was not super pleased with it. So I immediately wanted to do it again. 

     Yesterday, Travis and I went out again. Different woods, some of my favorite hiking woods, and I downloaded Strava, in the middle of the woods, so I could properly track our time and distance. Our first mile was a nice 13.47. That was pretty good. But the first mile is usually the easiest, right?

     Traditionally, this is what I see when I hike with Travis. He is fast, he likes going fast, and he spends a lot of time walking ahead of me, being fast. 

      But sometimes, now, I am fast too. Not fast like before I started getting injured, but I am not a young teen anymore. At all. According to every weight chart on the planet, I am actually obese. I find that laughable, though I know I am overweight. Working on it (still, again, always...). When I am lighter, my joints hurt less.

     It is tricky to trail run and pull out the phone to get screenshots of times. But I caught some good ones, like this 7.92mph. See? Sometimes I am fast.

     And definitely, Travis is fast. He and I passed each other a lot, and Travis would decide it was time to run. Or I would. I love hiking alone, but I do also love hiking with Travis. For years, it was hard to hike with Travis. He is just too fast and I just hurt way too much trying not to be too slow for him. I wanted to hike, but when I got out there it was suffering and I just wanted it to be over. I am not in that place now. 

     The end result of our hike/trail run yesterday was 4.52 miles in an hour and 5 minutes. And it would have probably been exactly an hour, but on the way out of the trails we ran into my massage therapist and had a chat for a bit. It was funny because I just saw her the other day. 

      One of the best speeds I caught in a screenshot was this 9.35mph. I know that a lot of people run a lot faster than I do. I know that sometimes when I am running I feel like I am running painfully slow, or as if I am trying to run in deep mud. I know that I don't actually care if I am as fast as anyone else. I don't care if I am not yet able to do a 5K in 30 minutes (but maybe soon?) because I am doing the best for me. I am getting out in the woods, which is my happy place, and I am pushing myself, but not to injury. For the first time in my life I am actually enjoying the journey of fitness. I have always enjoyed the results, but when you enjoy the work it really makes everything so much easier. 

     Do I look smug in this photo? I am a bit. This was one of the times I made Travis tired. He was, occasionally, huffing and puffing, heavy sighing, and being kind of tired. I almost never have Travis behind me on a hike. But it happened a lot yesterday. And I was proud of me. 

       I started running again, mostly just occasionally, but I was doing it, back in December. I started more seriously getting back into hiking in March. There were such nice, flat trails that I had to run. I never thought I could run on a trail, even a flat one. It's basically an uneven surface which is something I "can't" do, right? But I have decided I won't say I can't anymore. I am going to keep on getting out into the woods, and running. Trail running is way more interesting than track running. But I am enjoying the journey. I am feeling stronger even just in my daily life. I have fully and firmly decided that I am going to do all of this for me. I am worth it. And after all, I only have one life.