I'm Embarrassed

     I was listening to Mares In Black episode #51 the other day and they did a really fantastic interview with Darynn Bednarczyk of DeeJayBe Studios. Darynn made a Youtube video entitled " I am embarrassed to collect breyers".  I watched the video and a lot of what Darynn said about her experience in the hobby have been true for a lot of us. For some reason, loving horses is often seen as childish. Whether it is real horses or plastic ones, we often get judged for our love. Sure, if you have real horses more people will think that is just fine, but collecting plastic horses is a little kid thing. Isn't it?

     I am not sure at what age collecting turns taboo but there does seem to be a time. Often it is somewhere between middle school and high school. So many horse crazy kids sort of grow out of it. And then there are the hobby people. We might put our collecting into the closet for a while, we might even step away for a while. Many of us feel shame about our love of little plastic horses. And it's not surprising, often people think it's weird. 

 

       When I was 13 years old I saved up all of my babysitting money for a few weeks or a month (hey, it was a long time ago, I don't remember how long I saved, just that I did) and I went to Toys R Us (remember that place?) and I bought a Breyer classic Arabian family. And I loved it (and still have it). I had almost no Breyers growing up because they were expensive. So getting those Breyers was a thrill. Earning them had me elated. My best friend at the time scoffed at me for spending $5 on plastic horses (she thought I spent a day's pay. She had no idea...) that was my first time thinking that collecting horses was something to be ashamed of. 

       I stopped collecting all together when my kids were small because I had nowhere to put the horses, still had no money, and had other things I needed to focus on. Like learning to cook because we could not afford take out or anything pre-made. But one day I was sitting on our ancient dial-up computer (which was a second hand luxury item) and I remembered my horses and figured I could find some on ebay. And I also found the hobby. 

     I started searching for horses that I liked and found photo shows to enter. Eventually I started altering doll clothes which quickly switched over to making original outfits. It was casual for maybe the first year or two but then I decided to see about turning doll making into a business. It was not easy or quick but it worked. I had a way to make some money to help out our family. And it was awesome. 

     But I was still embarrassed. Ethan and I ran into a friend of ours that we had not seen in years and he asked what I am doing for work now. I told him I make dolls and he turned up his nose at me and sneered "you make dolls???" As if it was the weirdest and worst thing he had ever heard. I wonder if the reaction would have been any better if I said I was a stay at home mom. Likely not.

     When I started my job at the school it was exciting for a lot of reasons. It was something very different from anything I had ever done for work. I got to help people, and not by bringing them food (I was a waitress before). I got paid regularly. These were really great things. But one of the most exciting things at the time was I had a more acceptable answer to the question "what do you do for work." Being a paraprofessional is not a highly respected job, and a lot of people have never heard of them, but no one ever acted like me being a para was weird. Once I explained what they are and what they do, most people will say that sounds like the perfect job for me. They are not wrong.

       I started collecting model horses when I was 5 years old. From the first Breyer horses I stole borrowed from my mom to the few I got as gifts and the ones I bought with my own money. I took a break for a while, as a lot of us do, and then came back into the hobby in probably 2004 or 2005. And I hid my collecting from almost everyone. Clearly my family knew. We have a small house and plastic horses that multiply is something that is noticed. But outside of hobby friends I didn't much talk about my horses or showing. 

     When I first started at the school I didn't really tell people about my collecting and showing. If I happened to say "I was at a horse show" they were usually quick to perk up and ask where I keep my horse. And I would sort of duck my head a bit and say it was a model horse show. And I would share photos of the dolls I make and the performance setups. Usually they were appreciated. But it was still embarrassing. 

     This year there was a shift. Everything is different. Everything is weird. So far, everything is virtual. We are performing on camera and trying to engage kids in learning when they are at home. It's hard. And for some reason, 2020 is the year that I am not embarrassed about my hobby. Sometimes I am embarrassed by the behavior of my fellow hobby members, but I am not embarrassed by my collection or my showing. And I am proud of what I have accomplished with the dolls. I did quite a few this-is-some-stuff-about-Mrs.-Field chats to all the new and new-to-me kids. What did I tell them? That I am married, have 2 grown kids, I know a lot about special needs because my son has autism so I have been studying autism and related disorders for year. I also told them that I am a doll maker in the model horse hobby and I show my horses and people use my dolls to show their horses all over the world. And I have tattoos. What did the kids focus on? Mostly nothing. Occasionally they ask me where I got my tattoos. They look bored about absolutely everything that anyone says. No one acted like my horses or my hobby is weird. And if they do think it's weird? So what. I enjoy it and I have skills in it. But I can also acknowledge that maybe it's easier for me to come out of hobby hiding because I am successful with it. I do well at performance and I can make a living as a doll maker (not get rich, but can get by, lol). Usually the benchmark for something to be considered OK is for it to be "normal" (you know, something most people like or are into) or if it can make you money. But just maybe, me being proud of my dolls and talking so openly (and excitedly, I was in a good mood!) about the hobby might have helped one person. One person who felt that what they like is weird. Or maybe I just helped me to not be embarrassed. And that is OK too.